Trauma Sensitive Parenting Blog
How I came to Trauma informed parenting?
Everything came to a head during the pandemic lockdown. Not that things were great before that, but we were holding our own. Then we were all locked in together, stressed about all the changes in our daily lives and in the world. I was trying to teach virtually from home. In my district we were expected to be live on zoom 6 hours a day. I was attempting to do this while at home with 2 teenagers, a second grader, and a 4 year old, each who was trying to do their own virtual learning. My mother came over every day to help. My youngest 4 all have ACEs scores greater than 3, but for child #5, trauma is a constant companion that was running our household. She only wants mommy-24 hours a day, 7 days a week- mommy. She has intense separation anxiety. So there I was trying to teach with my child hiding under my desk. She was not doing her own lessons, rushing through her work to come back to me. Her behaviors escalated. She was prone to physical aggression, and I was her favorite target. I was in turmoil, wanting to protect my child but so desperately needing help for her. I did not want to tell people that sometimes my 8 year old daughter hits and kicks me. I hid the bruises and denied the extent of the problem. Even in the therapist office, I minimized how bad it was. I did not want people to think badly of my child. I could see the hurting little girl inside. She could be so sweet and so loving. And as a teacher for students with special needs for over 2 decades, it was my job to help children just like her, and I was failing. I am a google searcher by hobby. I am a pro at doing a deep dive on-line into any topic. I started looking into kids like mine and how to help. We had counselors and skills coaches and so many other so called experts that did more harm than good. We needed more. I came across Dr. Karen Purvis and her work in parenting kids from hard places. It was life changing. I watched many of the videos and began to implement what I could at home. I contacted post adoption support services and got help there. I enrolled in a graduate program for trauma informed education to learn more. And I applied over and over again to the training course offered through the Karen Purvis Institute before finally getting accepted. (I get to go to the class in July!!) Things started slowly changing. I do not always get it perfect. Sometimes I fall back on old habits like time out or punishments, but I always pay a steep price as these methods don't work and only serve to escalate her behaviors.
Part 1-Our Story
In 2016 my husband and I were almost empty nesters. My oldest daughter was finishing up college, and my son was a senior in high school when we decided to become foster parents. We had an empty bedroom and thought we could help. We did not set out with the intent to adopt, but did not rule that out should the opportunity present itself. We made the initial inquiry and had the first visit the day before Thanksgiving. At that first meeting, our case worker described a little girl she thought might be a good fit for us given my special education background. She was 4 years old and nonverbal. No one knew why she was not speaking. She was in a foster home, but her family had just requested she be moved. I flew through the paperwork on a mission. Our foster packet and training was completed by Christmas, and we were licensed shortly after New Years of 2017. A few weeks later, we got a call about that same girl. She was yet again being moved from a foster home. After a couple missteps and a couple more foster homes for our sweet girl, she finally came home at the end of January. We estimate she moved 8 times between Thanksgiving and when she came home to us. She still had unopened Christmas presents by the time all of her belongings caught up to her. Two things became very apparent that first weekend. #1 this child was not nonverbal. She had severe articulation problems, but the words were there. Someone just needed to take time to listen. #2 We were determined she would never move again if it was in our control. The first weekend she alternated between screaming for hours or sitting quietly, staring and smiling at us. She had endless trauma and behaviors that resulted from that trauma. Today she is thriving in a general education classroom. She is active in clubs and has friends. There is still healing to be done, and there are still bumps in the road. But she has come so far, and we can’t wait to see how far she will go!
Part 2-The teenagers!
At the end of January a few days after our first daughter moved home, we got a call about another girl. This child was 10 years old, and was a third grade student in the school where I taught. She was older than we had said we would accept in our profile and had more medical needs than we were comfortable with. We had just moved in a 4 year old with intensive needs. We had every reason to say no. But we said yes. And it was one of the best decisions of my life. This kid is the picture of resilience. She has met more challenges in her short life than most people live in 10 lifetimes. For many years, she struggled with debilitating pain from her medical issues. We drove 5 hours to find the best specialists we could. We are happy to say her medical needs are largely under control. She is doing well in high school and is a social butterfly. Everyone loves her!
Our 4 year old has a biological sibling. Originally they were placed in the same foster home. But then that home felt unequipped to deal with the behaviors of the 4 year old. So she was moved. The older sibling was 10 when we met them. Six months later, the first home also requested this child be moved. The judge was insistent if there was going to be a move, child services needed to try to place all the children together. We were so lucky to be chosen! Our 5th child moved home in July. This child makes sure life is never boring!! They prefer he/him or they/them pronouns. They have challenged me to confront preconceived notions and beliefs.
And that means that today, we have 2 teenagers in the house!
Part 3-The baby
So now we have a sibling group of 2, but there was still one more sister! The youngest of the siblings was placed in foster care straight from the hospital. When the foster family requested the oldest sibling be moved, the judge ordered that the caseworker try harder to place all the children together. The foster family caring for the baby was unable to take in the older children. So that left us. We worked quickly and in a matter of weeks renovated our garage into an extra bedroom. And all three siblings were reunited under our roof in August. Our baby is 6 now. She is a ball of energy and brings such joy into our home!
A couple years later we moved into a larger house so everyone has their own room. Add in a couple dogs, a couple cats, and many rabbits (the kids show rabbits in 4-H), and that is us!
That is how we went from a family of 4 to a family of 8 in 6 months. It is loud and messy and real. It is not perfect, but it is never boring.
We continued to foster children for a few more years. We ultimately decided not to renew our license under the advice of a counselor who felt the move-ins and move-outs associated with foster care were causing renewed trauma for our own children.
Rise and Shine
First thing in the morning is the absolute worst time of the day in my house. #5 almost always has nightmares and wakes up already in fight/flight/freeze mode. She usually goes to fight. Added to this, my daughter has huge issues with food and often wakes up hungry as well. With my daughter, I can tell it is a trauma response by watching her eyes. Her eyes dilate to the point that they look nearly all black instead of the usually baby blue eyes she has when she is in her upstairs brain. She comes to stand by my bed, eyes dilated, and will usually yell that she needs cuddles. Now if I can engage my brain fast enough and hug and reassure her, I can sometimes stop the momentum. Unfortunately at 5 or 6 a.m., sometimes my brain needs a minute too. If I say anything even mildly correcting like "it's too early" or "go back to bed" or "play in your room", she hears "I don't want you. Go away." And then the fight instinct really turns on high! Sometimes she will hit or kick me. Other times she will open and slam doors, waking everyone. Before I practiced trauma sensitive responses, I would respond in anger and would yell that she was waking up the house. This of course fed her fear and escalated the behaviors. By the time we somehow managed to get everyone dressed and off to school or work, a lot of tears had been shed. Everyone had been yelling at everyone else. And we were all leaving in a very bad mood. I am trying very hard to remember that while it looks like a 9 year old standing at my bed, developmentally, in this moment, she is more like 3 or 4. I am trying to remember that she is scared and her behavior is a fear response. I try to remember to respond with comfort and care each and every time, but it is a lot to ask of someone every morning at the crack of dawn! It remains the part of the day that is the biggest challenge for me, her, and the rest of house! I really miss sleep!
Momma needs more flowers
My girl loves to help. She loves to work on a project. She also doesn't always think she needs to ask for help. She believes she is an adult, capable of adult decisions. She can also get very angry and will hold a grudge. She sprayed weed killer on my day lilies that were growing in the garden. She claims she thought it was long grass and that she thought she was helping. It was also right after I had left to run to the store and did not take her with me. She was very angry with me about that. So jury is still out on whether she was punishing me for making her stay with dad and not taking her to the store or if she really believed she was helping. I was really mad when I saw the damage. I had been working hard on getting that garden area cleaned up and growing. It was finally starting to shape up, and now it is all dead. I had to take a step back to respond in a trauma informed way. My girl has intense separation anxiety so even a short trip to the store without her makes her panic. But even so, she can not destroy property when things do not go her way. So Saturday she will have a time in with mom. She will help me garden and learn all about the flowers and what they need. She will help me weed and trim grasses. Time-ins are more effective for kids with trauma than time outs. Time outs send the message that I don't want her with me, that I am sending her away from me. It is very triggering for her PTSD and her separation anxiety. Time-ins give her a chance to fix what she has done while spending time with me. Trauma responsive practices do not advocate for no consequences, but rather for consequences that do not add additional trauma.